2025-11-10_too much

i feel like i’m too much. i feel like i become too much, too intensely.

looking back at the last three years, i’m realizing now that this seems to be the most consistent emotional thru-line. especially when it comes to intimate and potentially intimate personal relationships. only on very rare, short-term, occasions have i felt like enough. but not in the sense that i necessarily feel lesser, no. i’ve haven’t felt like enough, because i feel like i’m too much. too intense, too demanding, too active, too busy, too impatient, etc.

and now i sit here, as i have so many times before, wondering where to go.

i need to learn. learn how to carry everything that is m(e), differently. neither control nor containment should be the goal or the outcome. but learning how to carry all of this more humbly and peacefully. with a little less consistent and intense spilling over. i can’t count on somebody/some group to enter into m(y) life all of a sudden, being able to “deal” with all of this. it would be nice, but in the final analysis, it’s wishful thinking that won’t help me in the short-, mid- or long-term. i need to learn, step by step, fragment by fragment, how to move through the world while carrying myself a bit differently. less spilling, more pouring. less crashing, more flowing. life is a river, and i’ve been in the rapids almost exclusively for a while now. and they’ve shaped m(e): i’ve become rapid. but a river is and cannot be all rapids, and neither can i.

but in order to slow down, to flow differently, i have to confront my feelings of becoming too much and investigate their roots. and this is where things get even more uncomfortable.

low self-esteem.
not feeling like enough. feeling like i have to constantly, obviously to others, do in order to be allowed to be . the level of shit i’ve been treating my body this past year is staggering when i really think about it in it’s fragmentary totality.

this is also me.

next to all the reading, all the activism, all the knowledge, all the fashion, all the work, all the solidarity and care, etc.

this is also me.

but where does this me come from?… does that question even matter/help? on first glance it seems like it should, but on second thought i’m not so sure.

what will help though is me going to sleep, since it’s 01:45.

and therapy, probably.